my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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