To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
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I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
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Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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