No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
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