the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
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Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
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He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
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