your parents love me but you hate me
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
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We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
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When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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