you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
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I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
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I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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