do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
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I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
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You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
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