I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize