so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
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Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
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I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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