We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
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