Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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