Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
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