i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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