You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
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