I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
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You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
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Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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