this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize