I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
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Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
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