I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
either way he was missing a nipple.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
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My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
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He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
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