I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
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They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
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Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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