I think I am morally bankrupt
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
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I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
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My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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