my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
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You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
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I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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