The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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