you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
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He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
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How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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