Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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