I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
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Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
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There is too much vodka and too much dick.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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