The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
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The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
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The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
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