you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
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I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
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Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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