if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize