Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
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I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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