20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
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No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
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Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
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