Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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