i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
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I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
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The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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