Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
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You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
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also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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