Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
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I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
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I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
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