Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
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my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
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I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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