Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
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Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
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Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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