you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
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I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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