I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
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Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
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I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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