I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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