so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
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Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
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i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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