It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
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I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
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I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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