He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
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I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
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I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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