by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
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I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
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I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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