she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
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Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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