i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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