just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Soap is not a condiment
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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