i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
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