we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
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whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
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No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
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