dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
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A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
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Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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