I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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